Dear Rashard, Shut Up.

I’m going to try to keep this from sounding too preachy or coming off as to gratingly patriotic. After all, I don’t particularly like “patriotism” just for “patriotism’s sake” and I certainly don’t buy into the notion that we as Americans have to tow the nationalistic “America is infallible” party line 24/7. There are many reasons this is a great country. Speaking out about the ways in which it may not be is one of the freedoms that make this place so great. Still, I have one thing to say to Steeler’s running back Rashard Mendenhall and that is; “shut the hell up.”

This f***ing guy...

The thing is, I’m going after Rashard for reasons that a lot of you may not be. I don’t mind what Rashard tweeted about objecting to celebrating the death of Osama Bin Laden. He has every right to try and make us pause about doing the very thing we condemned some Middle Easterners for doing when they received word of 9/11 many years ago (they celebrated in the streets, burning effigies of Americana while shooting AK-47s into the sky). Don’t get me wrong, I personally think it’s a great accomplishment for our soldiers and for our nation as a whole that we finally killed a man responsible for so much loss and turmoil. I also understand why celebrating a death in the streets may come off as objectionable to some.

With a Bears jersey on dude? Seriously...

So no, my issue doesn’t lie with Rashard’s tweets about Osama’s death, my issue lies with Rashard’s tweets about 9/11. You see, lost in the flood of outrage over his condemnation of the revelers is the fact that he basically sided with 9/11 conspiracy theorists. That, fellow halfwits, is something that I just can’t stand.

 I admit that as a foolish youth I was curious about these conspiracy theories surrounding 9/11. As someone who grew up despising George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, fake WMDs and the mess that was the Iraq War, I was always looking for more reasons to hate on that administration. The thing is I should have just been happy with the irrefutable mistakes they made, instead of entertaining the crazy notions of a wild goose chase that was not only dumb, but unbelievably insensitive.

You have to admit; this guy just looks dickish...

9/11 happened right before our very eyes on live television. We know that those towers fell that day, we know that planes flew into those towers and we know that planes also crashed into the Pentagon and a field in the middle of rural Pennsylvania. We also know that thousands of people died because of  the events of that day, and we know that those families who lost people have been struggling to cope ever since. We also know that Osama Bin Laden went on international television and declared that he had not only coordinated and designed these attacks, but that his terrorist organization had been the group responsible for carrying it out. Or at least, according to many conspiracy theorists, we think we know that.

Rashard, that other side you were talking about? Right here ^

You see, according to these people Osama Bin Laden and his band of merry terrorists weren’t to blame at all. In fact, according to them, the United States government blew up the towers as part of an elaborate scheme to get us into war in the Middle East. They believe the United States government coordinated a bunch of planes to fly into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and, just for kicks, a field in the middle of Pennsylvania (you know, for believability) just so we could get our rocks off invading various parts of the Middle East. Huh? Are you serious? Not only are these people blatantly accusing the United States government of committing mass genocide on its own people, but they’re saying it was an elaborate way to get us to do something we’d already been doing (for far less elaborate reasons) for years! Really Rashard? Really conspiracy people?

You know, because this guy could totally mastermind mass genocide of his own people in order to start a war his Dad already proved was immensely easy to do...

By the way, for the most part I think conspiracy theories are harmless. You don’t believe in the moon landing, fine. You think we have aliens living among us, great. Biggie and Pac are sipping daiquiris on a remote Mexican beach, awesome (can I get a “long lost” callabo album?). But what these people are claiming happened on 9/11 goes entirely too far. The United States government has been responsible for some pretty shady shit, I understand that. But to accuse it of coordinating the mass murder of thousands of its own civilians in an effort to send thousands more to their death in war is pretty ballsy…

They're totally daquiri guys.

Actually it’s just dumb, and a real slap in the face to those who lost family members as a result of these events. They don’t deserve to deal with this added bullshit. 9/11 was master minded by the tall bearded ass-hole our Navy Seals shot in Pakistan the other day and a bunch of his cronies, not the United States government. Some day your god, Osama’s god or somebody’s god will judge him for what he did. In the mean time, if the worst thing these revelers throughout the US ever do is celebrate the mortal death that led him to that judgment, then I’m perfectly fine calling myself an American.

F*** yeah

That’s all for now folks. Tune in next time for: “If you don’t feel like celebrating Osama’s death because even that seems too good for him, spend the time instead thinking of ways you can exercise the freedoms he so dearly wanted to take away from you (like voting, or watching porn…but please only the legal kind).”


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