The End of 2011 Sucked

Ah January of 2012. What a beautiful time of year this is. No more watching Case McCoy and David Ash battle to see who can lose the starting quarterback job quicker. No more playing hot potato amongst which Jet’s player will sabotage the season this week. No more A-Rod and .111 batting averages in the playoffs (even you stat nerds can agree that that is abysmal). No, all I have to truly worry about is where Texas’ (and to a lesser degree UConn’s) basketball season will wind up. Luckily, they (being Texas) have pulled the rare feat of being relatively mediocre in out-of-conference play with a 10-3 record. Subsequently my expectations are gloriously lowered and anything above sixth place (in a loaded conference mind you…) will seem like a great achievement. I’ve gotten used to fantastic implosions under Rick Barnes over the years, but they usually come in the middle of conference play when Texas is 17-1 and ranked #2 in the country. This season? They haven’t been ranked (like, at all) and I couldn’t be more psyched. Bring it on round of 68 11th seed! Because if there’s anything Rick Barnes teams do well it’s play above their double digit seeding in NCAA Tournaments. Wait, that’s Texas A&M? Crap…

"All I have to show for one year of Kevin Durant is a 10 loss season and a loss in the first weekend of the NCAAs!"

But in all seriousness, this is what I have to look forward to for January (and really the next four months): pure, unadulterated neutral rooting interest in one of the biggest times of the year for American sports. For the last 7 years or so I’ve been incredibly nervous this time of year. In 2004 Texas was desperately trying to prove itself with Vince Young as a sophomore quarterback (I got to sweat out a 38-37 Rose Bowl victory over Michigan) and the Jets almost beat the Steelers in the Divisional Round (Doug Brian, I’m still looking for you). 2005 was the greatest college football game ever played (if you have to ask, just…stop). 2006 and 2007 were relatively quiet but I whole heartedly wanted Alamo and Holiday Bowl wins for Colt McCoy and his underrated awesomeness. 2008 was one of the biggest fuck jobs in the BCS era (Texas still won a close Fiesta Bowl over Ohio State) and 2009 was both the National Championship AND the Jet’s first AFC Championship Game run since 1998 (seriously, fuck you Elway). 2010 might’ve been abysmal in 40 acres territory but it was also the first back to back AFC Championship games in Jet’s history. All in all, the Januaries of my senior year of high school through my second year out of undergrad have been down right stressful. Now? It’s like being Switzerland in World War II; I just don’t care.


Still, there are observations to be made, anger to be spat and various diseases to be wished upon people I don’t know personally. So, without further ado here goes my ranting for the past month and a half of purified shit that I witnessed on the playing fields of my favorite teams…

– The Yankees weren’t supposed to compete this post season. If it’s possible for a team with a $200 million payroll to have low expectations amongst many pundits, the Yankees did it…and yet. They went 97-65, watched the Red Sox gloriously tank their season, had home field advantage throughout the AL playoffs and…lost to the Tigers in 5 games. I said before the divisional round the team I wanted to see most was Justin Verlander and a bunch of scrubs. I got my wish, and proceeded to spiral into a nice little 4 day window of depression after game 5. Thanks bombers. But if we’re really going to talk high expectations…

I'd feel better about the playoffs if this guy ^ didn't look like a crazed child molester.

– Do you now what it’s like to be a Jets fan in January? It’s miserable. The Jets rarely make the playoffs and when they do we as fans become even more pessimistic than usual. Not only that, but we’re the fans that (I’m pretty sure…) copied the E-A-G-L-E-S for our J-E-T-S team chant (they started in 1960, check it on Wikipedia). Seriously, we stole from Philly! That’s like ripping off “Achy Breaky Heart” as your lone hit single. Still, the past two seasons were pretty glorious in the lives of Jets fans. We witnessed our rookie quarterback (after giving us all a collective ulcer in the regular season) beat a Chargers team he had no business beating at San Diego in ’09. This was before scaring the shit out of what might wind up being Peyton Manning’s last great Colts team in the AFC Championship. In 2010 they made the playoffs (without backing in), upsetting what might wind up being Peyton Manning’s last decent Colts team in the playoffs. They then shocked the world against the Patriots and came within an awful Brian Schottenheimer game plan (and five points) of making the Super Bowl.

But this season? Awful. It was just plain awful. After 3 years of Super Bowl proclamations (and almost backing it up…) the Jets imploded. There were signs early. They unsuccessfully chased a luxury cornerback only to re-sign the same good but flawed one from the prior year and lost out on key opportunities to sign another solid running back or wide receiver. The Jets let go of a couple of key veterans, signed at least one other cancerous veteran and then, in the crux of the season, lost Jim Leonhard for the year when they were 8-5. Ryan seemed to completely lose his knack for motivating the team, Schotty went from somewhat inept to completely inept and the Jets blew the few opportunities they had to beat a good team (Patriots, Ravens and, I guess, the Giants). To top it off, Mark Sanchez didn’t really improve at all (he might have even regressed…), and the Jets may very well be facing the possibility that the Sanchize isn’t a franchise quarterback at all. So…yeah.


– Speaking of Sanchize, do you know what it’s like watching the trio of Mark Sanchez, David Ash and Case McCoy play quarterback for your two (two!) favorite football teams?! It’s like watching the Kardashian sisters try to solve a rubiks cube. If I have to go through one more Fall of this I might very well kill myself. Hear that Mark? No pressure buddy.

Do you think they even know how to spell Rubiks?...or Kardashian?

– I know that in this age of absurd offensive stats (70 points allowed in the Orange Bowl Clemson? Seriously?!) I’m supposed to appreciate the defensive “masterpieces” that were LSU-Alabama I and II, but I don’t. Sorry. I get why NL guys love watching Roy Halladay go 10 innings in a 1-0 shut out. It’s an unbelievable piece of pitching in the live ball era, and while I don’t like NL baseball it’s an awesome athletic achievement nonetheless. But if people didn’t like that 3-0 Sun Bowl victory by Oregon State over Pittsburgh back in 2008 (everyone hated it), I certainly don’t understand why 9-6 OT scores and 8 quarters (I’m counting OT) of touchdown-less football are all of a sudden held in high regard. Look, I don’t love the pussification of our new favorite past time (no matter how cute Robert Griffin’s braids are…). I also know I don’t have to love the complete offensive ineptitude we saw on display in each of these SEC “Armageddon” games. So yeah…fuck you Saban.

The North Dakota State Bison: Your 2011 NCAA Division I National Champions

That’s all for now folks. Tune in next time for; “Did I mention how depressing the headline ‘Jets to Announce the Hiring of Sparano as Offensive Coordinator’ makes me? Did I mention how depressing the lie ‘BCS officials to consider all options’ makes me? No? 2012 is going to suck.”

Yes, even worse than this.


One response to “The End of 2011 Sucked

  1. Sam Featherstone

    That’s like ripping off “Achy Breaky Heart” as your lone hit single. Love that simile.

    “Pussification” — love it.

    Keep up the good work Halfwit!

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