Meet the Halfwits!

BABY SASQUATCH

At the age of 2 the Baby Sasquatch unknowingly terrorized his first camp site.  Following the scent of a chocolate bar, B-Squatch walked blindly into the camp of four 16 year old girls.  When all he wanted was a hug, all they wanted to do was run. Leaving him behind with all of their belongings, the misunderstood mammal sat alone churning through their pink duffel bags.  Eight hours of iPod battery and 16 People Magazines later the 9 foot tall beast had found his calling.  He was destined to follow the lives of the rich and famous.  For many months he tried to make friends with the visitors of his forest but alas, no one understood him. Instead they left him with more music and more juicy celebrity goodness as they fled.  Armed with these magazines and a slew of iPods, B-Squatch has left his hairy cave-mates in Saskatchewan for the streets of New York City where he does his darndest to blend in amongst the rockers and celebs, absorbing all the music and gossip a 400 lb savage can handle.  Follow this buzzworthy beast as he keeps you posted on the latest in music and pop culture.

BEAR

Born in a zoo to a half-crazed momma bear and a grizzled giant of a papa bear, this clawed behemoth has grown up with dreams of going where no bear has gone before – the world of technology. Since cub-hood, this burly bear has been watching humans from his enclosure and studying their strange devices. After this careful study of humans he has grasped the knowledge needed to operate them.  When he finally broke out of the joint he managed to swipe a couple of these devices. Now residing in a hunters lodge somewhere north he began to fumble with his stolen computers. In one he found a file titled Doom. After opening the file and immersing himself in the world he was instantly drawn to gaming. Since that time he has excelled at only two things: causing mayhem in order to find new computers/devices and gaming. He is a Braveheart woad-wearing warrior bear who dreams of making the actual world like his virtual ones. These dreams lead him to find the latest technology that will one day turn him into a bear with robotic appendages and shoulder mounted rocket launchers. His natural gift for raiding both the real and virtual worlds has made him overly aggressive but inquisitive in nature. Far from expert (he’s a fucking bear) but much further from novice, The Bear comes to this congregation of halfwits offering his experience in gaming and his eternal study of all things digital and electronic. Follow his updates to find in-depth reviews on Gaming and Technology each week.

BIRD

Found as a wee chick outside an old Dublin drinking hole, the plumed pub-goer known simply as “Bird” was raised by a kindly old barkeep and taught from a young age to explore the world and gather knowledge of all things that can be read and that can make your face red. Following in the distinguished and stumbling footsteps of such authors as Ernest Hemingway, James Joyce and Jack Kerouac, Bird will take you on a dazed and drunken tour of the surprisingly interconnected worlds of literature and libations. What are the best new beers of the season? Are there any novels from your high school English class that are actually worth re-reading? Which lager matches up best with early 20th century American poetry? Want answers to these questions? Bird’s your man (bird).

MANBEARPIG

The ManBearPig, aka MBP (formerly the ManDood) eats, sleeps and drinks sports…literally. He is a hairy muscular mass made up of one-half Man, one-half Bear and one-half Pig that feeds on leather, plastic field turf and 20 gallons of gatorade a day. After years of fearful misunderstanding and persecution by none other than Al Gore and the United States Federal Government, MBP is finally recognized as a peaceful Sports God-fearing lover of everything from curling to football. Now he spends his days in an undisclosed location (provided with funding from the Fed) writing on the part of American culture he loves the most. He specializes in the world of college athletics but certainly enjoys rousing debates covering topics like the merits of MLB players in the steroid era, Lebron James’s legacy and NFL QB comparisons across the generations. Still, he’s open to the diverse international landscape of spectator sports and won’t stop until he has an encyclopedic knowledge of them all. True happiness to MBP lies in the purity and competition of sport on the field, court, pitch or pool. Indeed, there’s only one warning his fellow Halfwits have about this otherwise peaceful creature; you don’t want to see him when he’s drunk…

VOID

Ever since Void first entered the political arena his thoughts and opinions have been instrumental in molding the brains of creatures around the galaxy.  His strikingly good looking appearance, coupled with his godly skills on the basketball court make him a formidable opponent on and off the court.  However, due to his birth into a family of intergalactic royal family he is now seen as a shining light to bring progressive thought that transcends gender, planet, color, and political preference. Recently, his travels around the Galaxy have brought him a land called Earth to try to understand and analyze the humans and their political problems. Void has held of the role of inter-galactic mediator for over 634 eons (9 months for earth beings) and has traveled light years to accomplish what he has set forth to do.  Through this venture of epic proportions he will embark on the most exciting of journeys around the human world.  Void will provide for homo-sapiens an analysis of the most pressing matters in the human world today.  In conjunction he will enlighten his new bipedal friends on some of the more amazing and awe inspiring places around the world.  His journey will uncover breaking international issues and exploring the many places man-freak call home.

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