Author Archives: theangrybear

Game Review: BulletStorm

Foot to the face is a subtle way of saying "Fuck You"

Game Review: BulletStorm

Console: PC/Xbox/PS3 (I played the PC version)

Quick Review: Cool if unrealistic murder simulator for single player. Multiplayer is less fun than staring at the sun.

  • Good: Graphics, Character banter, Using the “leash” for fantastic frags,  Fun weapons and gameplay, Points awarded for shooting people in the dick or for murdering someone to death with your boot.
  • Bad:  Character banter (yes it’s in both categories), Glitchiness, A random flashback and poor storytelling, Ridiculously terrible multiplayer.

Score:  5/10

Long(er) Review:

I’m going to start out by saying that I was very excited to play BulletStorm. VERT excited.  This game spoke to me through its packaging and previews. It whispered to me of hours of amazing bloodshed with twisted weapons. I was ready for BulletStorm.

Once I picked the game up from Best Buy, every additional moment longer it took me to get this game to my computer because of shitty (safe) drivers was another small animal I promised to punish.

Don’t blame me kitten, blame the jerkoff in the minivan going twenty five in a FUCKING FORTY

I finally got home, installed the game and jumped right into the single player thinking that I would come back to the multiplayer after I learn some basics first. No need to let some 12 year old wipe the virtual floor with my face because I refused to learn a few things on my own. They have too much going for them already with that whole ‘no responsibilities’ thing.

Fuck 12 year olds

Anyways, in the first controllable sequence with my character I noticed my mouse was fucking up. The mouse sensitivity was next to nothing. Quick fix of adjusting the ingame settings and… same problem. OK. Must not have saved the settings. Go back and surprise! I had saved the correct settings. First 5 minutes and already a glitch. Sweet.

I’m not going to give away too much of the story. You play as an alcoholic angry mercenary out for revenge who ends up getting trapped on some world surrounded by cannibals and tumored monsters. You know, the usual. The story actually has potential and has some fun pitched battles. The cool thing about this game (and most new games) is how the environment can get involved in battle. You can literally kick a hot dog cart at a group of mutants and shoot it’s propane tank to create a massive explosion. You can also whip people around by your ‘leash’ and throw them into spiked walls or electrical wires. The game rewards you with points by how epic and gruesome your kills are. These points can then be used to purchase upgrades and ammo for your weapons. In the end, the story dips off a bit and the end isn’t really an ending so much as an annoying cliffhanger.

So, after beating the single player I thought I was ready to kick the living shit out of some people on multiplayer. Login, join a match and am waiting to be placed in a game. I get in a game and am amped to start murdering people. Game starts and I whip around and unload my gun on the other people running around. I fill one of them with a good 2 clips before I realize that they aren’t shooting back and my gun does no damage to them. The game chat box says the following:

K1dCuD1: lol wut r u doin?

BejeweledAll*24: save your bullets nub

I realize two things instantly. One, kids these days are fucked with a lack of imagination and two, I had joined a coop multiplayer game.  I leave k1dfuckyourself and bejeweledsucksadick behind to go join a real deathmatch… only to find there is no such thing. Nope. ZERO deathmatch whatsoever. The only multiplayer option you have is to coop kill wave after wave of enemies in a closed environment and try to score bigger points with different frags. Shit was stupid.

Not going to get involved with opinions on how to improve the game. Developers should know better. Worth it for $20 but not full price.



Just Because

How evolution should be taught


Why AT&T Just Fucked Us All

AT&T announced a little while ago that they’re going to start a bandwidth cap on their DSL and U-Verse customers. As I read this I giggled at first realizing that people still used DSL to describe a type of internet connection rather than just for girls with luscious lips but that quickly gave way to anger over AT&T capping anything on the internet. Upon reading deeper into the announcement I learned that they are capping their bandwidth at 150GBs/ month to DSL and 250GB to U-Verse subscribers.

This is not a fucking April Fool’s joke.

They go on to mention that only the top 2% of their users will actually be affected by the cap and that people will have a tool to view how much bandwidth they used that month so far. They also mention that there will be notifications when you hit 65, 90 and 100 percent of your usage. Lastly, they say that for every 50GBs over you will be charged $10.

Ok. OK! I’m easily excitable and anyone who knows me can testify that I tend to be angry like a.. well a bear when provoked.

Sometimes for no reason at all

After my initial anger subsided the worry set in. Lets think about what this means. Currently ISPs give you unlimited usage of the internet for a monthly fee, like cable for your tv. AT&T thought this wasn’t good enough and will now charge people for how much data their computers take off the internet. For those of you out there who think they can escape this because they don’t download anything, you’re mostly right: you’re not downloading things and taking up HUGE chunks of bandwidth. However, you’re dead wrong if you think you don’t take up any by viewing web pages. You are using bandwidth right now by reading this. Your computer is constantly downloading shit like images, texts and animations that use up that bandwidth.

This is like cable companies turning off your TV after a set amount of time is watched and then charging you for an extra 5 hours so you can catch the latest episode of Jersey Shore you just had to see. 2% isn’t a lot of users at all, that’s certainly not anyone I know. The thing here is the fact that they fucking did it. They made the move into a territory people didn’t assume anyone could or would go. They set a precedent that could have us all making a very vital decision every month: hulu a missed episode of gossip girls, download some internet porn or write a week’s worth of blog posts. Because that’s basically all you’ll have the bandwidth for to cover an entire month.

Lets just be honest with what the male population will choose.

We are nowhere near this point yet but like all things, change happens slowly. Just like any shitty inspirational speaker (or heroine addict) will tell you: try it once now and the rest of them get easier. Well move further and further away from unlimited internet until people are forced to make those tough decisions. 2% are going to be affected. You can bet your ass that AT& fucking T is going to monitor that 2% after the caps are in place. They’ll find that those people will adjust their bandwidth usage until they are under the cap. The whole average of bandwidth used for AT&T just went down. AT&T lowers their cap to hit the top 2% again, only this time it’s now the top 2.5% that will be affected because it’s lower than before. So on and so forth until all the unlimited tits, blog posts, and shitty TV shows you only watch on the internet are gone. Oh and once they see more people are being affected by it, they will raise the price on overage charges. And once they start turning a massive profit off of previously unlimited shit other companies will jump on the ‘fuck up the internet wagon’.

Think about what this means for companies with websites (i.e all of them). They will need to optimize their shit to the point that people will get minimum bandwidth usage from visiting their site. Think Windows’98 era websites where if they had anything moving on the site people’s minds blew the fuck apart.


No one is going to use their precious bandwidth to see some fancy site. Give us the text and that’s it. Digital marketers are fucked (God..damn it).  No one will host ads because it uses bandwidth that the customer needs to view their site.

What happens when this hits the mobile web? Everything on a phone uses bandwidth: Twitter, Facebook, texts, nude girlfriend photos, email, even phone calls. I’m gonna go a head and skip over the thousands of apps that constantly update themselves or post your Angry Bird scores . God forbid you’re lost out in Deliverance wilderness riding a ’91 Honda Civic hatch back with no gps and you used up your monthly cap.

You: "Gotta camp it out for another two weeks bro, used up my bandwidth on this sweet Black Keys ring tone" Me: "You fucking kidding me?"

Gamers are going to be fisted unrelentingly by this. Multiplayer (read: good) games need TONS of bandwidth because they are constantly talking to potentially dozens of computers at once. They are downloading and uploading tons of information on a faster than a fucking second basis which will bring you up to your bandwidth cap in a couple of hours.

I have faith in my fellow internet users that we will never let it get to this point, though. I hope to see riots in the street. We will never let it get to the point where gamers are planning their own post apocalyptic battle with the big corporations, girls are screaming and ripping their hair out over no more boy band stalking or streaming the latest Bieber song, boys and adult men are screaming and ripping their hair out over no more Facebook-stalking or streaming the latest BangBus update. Complete anarchy.


Bears and Technology: The Future

Born in a zoo to a half-crazed momma bear and a grizzled giant of a papa bear, this clawed behemoth has grown up with dreams of going where no bear has gone before – the world of technology. Since cub-hood, this burly bear has been watching humans from his enclosure and studying their strange devices. After this careful study of humans he has grasped the knowledge needed to operate them.  When he finally broke out of the joint he managed to swipe a couple of these devices. Now residing in a hunters lodge somewhere north he began to fumble with his stolen computers. In one he found a file titled Doom. After opening the file and immersing himself in the world he was instantly drawn to gaming. Since that time he has excelled at only two things: causing mayhem in order to find new computers/devices and gaming. He is a Braveheart woad-wearing warrior bear who dreams of making the actual world like his virtual ones. These dreams lead him to find the latest technology that will one day turn him into a bear with robotic appendages and shoulder mounted rocket launchers. His natural gift for raiding both the real and virtual worlds has made him overly aggressive but inquisitive in nature. Far from expert (he’s a fucking bear) but much further from novice, The Bear comes to this congregation of halfwits offering his experience in gaming and his eternal study of all things digital and electronic. Follow his updates to find in-depth reviews on Gaming and Technology each week.